THE WEDDING TEST I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!" And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car =================================================== Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else... One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.. The girl said, " NO." Johnny said, " I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor; you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200. Then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened...... She said, "The bastard used quarters!" **Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his Mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. "Of course", he said. Little Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room , Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a le tter. Letter 1 Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy. Leroy knew that it was not true. He had not been a good boy this year, so he tore it up and started over. Letter 2 Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would like a bike for my birthday. Leroy. Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote a third letter. Letter 3 Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Leroy. Leroy knew that it was not true. By now he was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother that he needed to go to church. She thought her plan had worked. " Just be home for dinner," she told him. Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. He went to the altar. Leroy looked around to see if anyone was looking as he bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it up under his shirt and ran out the church going back home. He ran to his room and shut the door. Leroy began to write his letter to God. Letter 4 Dear God, I got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike. ------------------------------------------------------------ O x y m o r o n's 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? 27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks -------------------- A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!" ---------------------- > >THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR > > > > > >Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? > >A: It's Braille for "suck here". > > > >Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? > >A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under." > > > >Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? > >A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. > > > >Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? > >A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when > >they go, they take your house and car with them. > > > >Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? > >A: Because they don't have any balls to > >scratch > > > > > >HAVE A GREAT DAY > > > > > > ------------------------------------- Tips For a Lifetime 1. Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. 2. Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle - perfect shaped pancakes every time. 3. To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. 4. To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling. 5. To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature & roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. 6. To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop-skillet will be much easier to clean. 7. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead-no white mess on the outside of the cake. 8. If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato-it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix me up." 9. Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. 10. Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back up. 11. When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. (ah, an old 1940’s Fannie Farmer trick!) 12. To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh-if it rises to the surface, throw it away. 13. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. 14. Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. 15. If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. 16. Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water. 17. To get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap on the area, instant relief. 18. Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march-see for yourself. 19. When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily. 20. NOW Look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer: § Clean a toilet-drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. § Clean a vase-to remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. § Polish jewelry-drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. § Clean a thermos bottle-fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). § Unclog a drain-clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water. ------------------------ Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age." Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!" "How in the world did you guess?!?!". The ornery old grandmas snickered and laughted. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!" -------------------------------- > Subject: welfare checks > > Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He > marched straight up to the counter and > said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really > rather have a job." > > The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. > We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a > chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive > around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because > of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort > the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy > her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the > garage. > The salary is $200,000 a year." > > The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshittin' me"! > > The social worker said, " Yeah, well . you started it." ------------------------ Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. so, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right ?" Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." ------------------------------------------ A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your willy is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?", he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well ... last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. "This is your grandma's idea." --------------- * LESBONICS 1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet. 2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? .... A Klondyke. 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? .... Militia Etheridge. 4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face. 5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? .... Fur Traders. 6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? . A Lickalotapuss. 7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? .... Well Hung. 8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ... She was found face down in Ricki Lake. 9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? ..... Even the pool table doesn't have balls. 10. What do you call lesbian twins? .... Lick-a-likes. 11. What's the definition of confusion? ... Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. 12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker. 13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers? 100 people that don't do dick.* ----------------------------- > > > Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, > Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to > as "HILLBILLIES." > > You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. > > And furthermore > > HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: > > 1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." > > 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." > > 3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE > INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." > > 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." > > 5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." > > 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." > > > HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: > > 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE > FACILITY." > > 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." > > 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE > DESTINATIONS." > > 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." > > 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL > INVERSION." > > 6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR > CLEAVAGE." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sand and Stone TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT. DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE. THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND: TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE. THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM. AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING, HE W ROTE ON A STONE: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE ". THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM, "A FTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW, YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?" THE FRIEND REPLIED "WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY. BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US, WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT." LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE. THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON, AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM, A DAY TO LOVE THEM, BUT ;THEN AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM. SEND THIS PHRASE TO THE PEOPLE YOU'LL NEVER FORGET. I JUST DID. IF YOU DON'T SEND IT TO ANYONE, IT MEANS YOU'RE IN A HURRY AND THAT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN YOUR FRIENDS. TAKE THE TIME TO LIVE! DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT VALUE WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE ! ----------------------- THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM. A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND." THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. TH! E OTHER S RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!! ----------------------